What I have learned about myself whilst being absent from my loved ones

Do you ever wish you had a crystal ball?  There are so many clichés available … hindsight is a wonderful thing and on, and on, and on.

But the truth is you haven’t and you have to make difficult choices sometimes that will question who you are as a person, and how much do you stand by your morals and principles.

Now keeping true to those morals and principles when faced with adversity is the true test.

Anyone who is absent from a loved one will all face the same daily struggle. Most learn to live with it, they adjust, some days are worse than others, but the pain is there every day in various degrees.  Some cannot cope. The pain is uncontrollable and the mind takes over, leaving them with no alternative but to end their life. I’m not here to debate whether that is taking the easy way out, or even if it’s selfish.

I have contemplated it on more than one occasion. I’ve sat there with pills and a bottle of vodka, and on another occasion sat looking at a knife for what seemed an eternity, but in reality was about 2 minutes tops. Now am I a coward for not going through with it, or am I strong for not going through with it? That is your decision.

Well, I’m still here and I am pleased to say I don’t think like that anymore. My pain has turned into my passion as the Absent app continues to gain users. The weight that was lifted of my shoulders as soon as I posted my loved ones on the app was huge. Partly due to the fact that the app was now live, and partly because I now felt I had a real chance of reaching them. Like I have mentioned in previous blogs, social media is not useful for these kinds of circumstances.

What separates Absent is that it’s totally unbiased. Facebook, for example, is open to so much manipulation and criticism that it can do more damage than good. You want to force the issue, you want people to realise what is going on now and for it all to end now. But it doesn’t work like that. It’s a process, and patience and stamina are a vital part of what you need to learn about yourself in order to succeed in your quest. Being too full on will create further issues and could potentially drive people further away from you, having the completely opposite effect.

It’s a sacrifice  

I have read countless stories and talked to so many people who fight so hard to reunite especially with parental alienation. The majority end up broke due to the legal system and the professionals involved in Family Law. Nobody has a good word to say about the experience and I understand why.  I have also been through the courts and it was a demoralising experience. These people don’t know me, they don’t know the truth. But can you imagine having to go to work every day listening to case after case of people tearing each other apart? I’m guessing the more experienced involved will think ‘that’s rubbish’ or ‘I bet that never happened’ but do they really lose any sleep over it. It’s a fee based business and the fees come rolling in.  I actually looked at a set of accounts for a London based Family Law firm and the annual turnover just for that practice, was just over £9 million.

The safety of the children is paramount within cases, not the feelings of the parents involved. So what happens in the vast majority of cases?  ‘He’s violent’.  ‘She’s on drugs’ blah, blah, blah. But what you need to remember is that this is actually true in some cases. So how does a judge make that call? It’s simple. They can’t. So to use deceitful tactics to unlawfully keep your children from the other parent should have every genuine victim foaming at the mouth. By playing the system its perjury and should be punished as such, only then will there be justice. Legal professionals suggesting certain plays or routes to take should be removed by their governing bodies and also charged with perjury. In fact, if any undercover television program makers want a scoop, set up a meeting using actors and go to several Family Law practices and see what happens.

Social media is scrutinised. Post are used to build a case against you, and by venting your frustrations online you are playing right into the hands of those who want to destroy you.

So what have I learned about myself during this period in my life? Firstly, my children come first. Secondly, I am willing to shoulder the burden of absence in order to save them from the nightmare they would face if I pursued contact. I quickly came to the conclusion that the relationship was suffering, and in turn so were we. From the moment I held my babies in my arms, I knew that I would do anything to protect them, I never for one minute thought it would mean letting them go…. temporarily. In doing so I will reap the benefits in the future of that I am sure.

By using the Absent app I now have one place to put all my information. With the decline of Facebook amongst millennials and use of more temporary messaging platforms such as Snapchat, the timing is perfect.

So my advice to you is to download Absent and post today. With users now in the U.K., U.S.A. and South Africa, it is already growing and it will snowball. It has been downloaded in many other countries such as Australia, China, France, Germany, Canada and even Kazakstan so people are already searching. Can you imagine the delight when your loved one downloads it, and there they are.