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What I have learned about myself whilst being absent from my loved ones

Do you ever wish you had a crystal ball?  There are so many clichés available … hindsight is a wonderful thing and on, and on, and on.

But the truth is you haven’t and you have to make difficult choices sometimes that will question who you are as a person, and how much do you stand by your morals and principles.

Now keeping true to those morals and principles when faced with adversity is the true test.

Anyone who is absent from a loved one will all face the same daily struggle. Most learn to live with it, they adjust, some days are worse than others, but the pain is there every day in various degrees.  Some cannot cope. The pain is uncontrollable and the mind takes over, leaving them with no alternative but to end their life. I’m not here to debate whether that is taking the easy way out, or even if it’s selfish.

I have contemplated it on more than one occasion. I’ve sat there with pills and a bottle of vodka, and on another occasion sat looking at a knife for what seemed an eternity, but in reality was about 2 minutes tops. Now am I a coward for not going through with it, or am I strong for not going through with it? That is your decision.

Well, I’m still here and I am pleased to say I don’t think like that anymore. My pain has turned into my passion as the Absent app continues to gain users. The weight that was lifted of my shoulders as soon as I posted my loved ones on the app was huge. Partly due to the fact that the app was now live, and partly because I now felt I had a real chance of reaching them. Like I have mentioned in previous blogs, social media is not useful for these kinds of circumstances.

What separates Absent is that it’s totally unbiased. Facebook, for example, is open to so much manipulation and criticism that it can do more damage than good. You want to force the issue, you want people to realise what is going on now and for it all to end now. But it doesn’t work like that. It’s a process, and patience and stamina are a vital part of what you need to learn about yourself in order to succeed in your quest. Being too full on will create further issues and could potentially drive people further away from you, having the completely opposite effect.

It’s a sacrifice  

I have read countless stories and talked to so many people who fight so hard to reunite especially with parental alienation. The majority end up broke due to the legal system and the professionals involved in Family Law. Nobody has a good word to say about the experience and I understand why.  I have also been through the courts and it was a demoralising experience. These people don’t know me, they don’t know the truth. But can you imagine having to go to work every day listening to case after case of people tearing each other apart? I’m guessing the more experienced involved will think ‘that’s rubbish’ or ‘I bet that never happened’ but do they really lose any sleep over it. It’s a fee based business and the fees come rolling in.  I actually looked at a set of accounts for a London based Family Law firm and the annual turnover just for that practice, was just over £9 million.

The safety of the children is paramount within cases, not the feelings of the parents involved. So what happens in the vast majority of cases?  ‘He’s violent’.  ‘She’s on drugs’ blah, blah, blah. But what you need to remember is that this is actually true in some cases. So how does a judge make that call? It’s simple. They can’t. So to use deceitful tactics to unlawfully keep your children from the other parent should have every genuine victim foaming at the mouth. By playing the system its perjury and should be punished as such, only then will there be justice. Legal professionals suggesting certain plays or routes to take should be removed by their governing bodies and also charged with perjury. In fact, if any undercover television program makers want a scoop, set up a meeting using actors and go to several Family Law practices and see what happens.

Social media is scrutinised. Post are used to build a case against you, and by venting your frustrations online you are playing right into the hands of those who want to destroy you.

So what have I learned about myself during this period in my life? Firstly, my children come first. Secondly, I am willing to shoulder the burden of absence in order to save them from the nightmare they would face if I pursued contact. I quickly came to the conclusion that the relationship was suffering, and in turn so were we. From the moment I held my babies in my arms, I knew that I would do anything to protect them, I never for one minute thought it would mean letting them go…. temporarily. In doing so I will reap the benefits in the future of that I am sure.

By using the Absent app I now have one place to put all my information. With the decline of Facebook amongst millennials and use of more temporary messaging platforms such as Snapchat, the timing is perfect.

So my advice to you is to download Absent and post today. With users now in the U.K., U.S.A. and South Africa, it is already growing and it will snowball. It has been downloaded in many other countries such as Australia, China, France, Germany, Canada and even Kazakstan so people are already searching. Can you imagine the delight when your loved one downloads it, and there they are.

 

Intimidation, Manipulation and … Alethephobia ??!!

Intimidation and manipulation are words we are all too familiar with these days. There are those who are prepared to do whatever it takes, by whatever means, with no regards of the consequences, especially to the impact on others. Now I am getting older, and possibly turning into that grumpy old man, I am getting so sick of this shit. I know the utopian society is just a dream, and there are some wonderful, caring, selfless people in the world, but these egotistical narcissists really do need to come down a peg or two – in my opinion obviously. 

But what the H. E. double hockey sticks is alethephobia ? No need to Google it folks, I’ve already done it. It is the fear of knowing the truth. You see when you are not with your loved ones due to forced absence the truth can be a scary prospect for both parties.

Do they believe the crap they’ve been fed? Has too much time passed? Will they reject me?

Or

Is it my fault they don’t want me?  Am I a bad person?  What if this is not the truth?

Sometimes the fear of finding out the truth can be so overpowering that the truth itself remains a mystery. Lives are put on hold, simply wondering. Relationships are lost forever because the fear of the truth can be terrifying. But it doesn’t have to be.

Think about it for a moment. There is someone not in your life that you want, and you spend a lot of time running over scenarios in your head of what you would say, or how you would react when you saw them. But the harsh reality is that they are not in your life and you suffer with your thoughts. Dealing with ambiguous loss causes so much pain that leads to all manner of issues and problems.

But if you did reach out to them, and got a response, there are only two scenarios.

Firstly, they tell you to bugger off. A gutwrenching outcome which will undoubtedly leave you distraught and in pieces. But at least you will know where you stand. The daily routine of running the scenarios can be let go, and you can start to deal with the situation you now find yourself in.

But the second scenario is the big one. The one you’ve been waiting for. You reach out, they respond. You make a little contact, then a little more, and before you know it they are back, back in your life where they belong.

Now I can’t say which is the more likely outcome. Clearly I’d pick the second one. But I guess you get to the point when even if you did get the first outcome slapped in your face, at least you know the truth.

via GIPHY

 

The crucial reasons why you need to use revolutionary Absent if you want to be savvy

Ok straight to it. I want to give you the crucial reasons why you should download Absent if there is anyone you want to reunite with that is absent from your life. Now if you have someone who is not in your life that you desperately want, then I really don’t have to explain the importance of having a new genius platform to use.

Why is Absent different ?

If you think of situations of absence on a scale going from people drifting apart through the normal course of life, right through up to high risk missing persons, then Absent will help. Hell if you’ve lost your pet, Absent can help.

If you are someone who wants to reach out to find someone important, then by using the amazing interactive map platform you can post the date and exact position you last saw them. Then add any relevant information you think necessary to show the importance.

People are naturally curious and will take a look … I bet you will look too

Yes, you could try and find them on social media sites, but do they want to know? If they find you on Absent, you can pretty much guarantee they do want to know

If however you are involved in the heartbreak of forced absence then that might not be enough. What makes Absent different to anything else available is the revolutionary private journal feature. If there is someone missing from your life from forced absence, and some examples of this are set out here, then the ability to have an outlet to divulge your thoughts and story ready for someone to find is vital.

The reason I say this is because the devastating feelings of guilt, anger, frustration, sadness and emptiness from being absent from a loved one can lead to depression and anxiety causing all manner of life changing issues. The effects for those forcibly removed from your life are very similar. In the case of children, experts have well documented the problems that arise. With no other avenue to share the pivotal information to each other in private, the chances of a successful reconciliation are limited. Especially if you have been portrayed as an asshole.

Unleash your thoughts in your very own private journal and it will let you live in the present. That is such a triumph. People spend so much of their time living in the past, torturing themselves with past memories often refusing to believe there is a future.

This is a perfect solution You can sit and talk directly to the person concerned, spill your heart, tell them you love them and how much you miss them. Then store the video directly to your Absent journal, safe and secure only for them when they are ready to look at it. Do the same with pictures, songs, letters or whatever you think is relevant. But don’t use it to badmouth anyone else, that won’t do you any good in the long term, no matter how tempting it might be.

Like I have mentioned in a previous blog, the journal feature will need to be based on a subscription basis. However if you’ve managed to reach this far and are still reading, and you wish to have a chance of a totally 100% free account for as long as is needed, then simply download the app on iTunes now, sign up and promote and share to get as many others into the new trend. The more users, the greater the chance of reuniting. People need to know about us. Spaces are limited so don’t delay. Don’t worry if you are on Andriod. Absent is due to be launched very soon on Google Play and spaces have been reserved for you guys too.

So I think that’s it for now. Hopefully, my passion has come across and you will have faith in what I am going to achieve. I want to create a brand that you will trust. I’m not after your data, I just want us all to go on a magnificent journey to reunite with our loved ones, and have the life together we deserve. Help me develop this please. I’m an approachable guy honestly. Get in touch and voice your opinion.

I have grown very fond of writing this blog. Before I started, I Googled ‘How to write a successful blog’ which I’m sure is normal. The main point I took from the research was to use your own voice and speak as you. That is exactly what I do, and it’s very comforting.  A great outlet which I would really encourage people to have a go at. I’d like to thank you for reading, and please feel free to comment. If you do enjoy my ramblings then why not subscribe to make sure you don’t miss any further posts. Thanks guys.

Absent app now on iTunes

There are certain moments in your life that will have major significance. Life has a way of making you wonder if it’s worth it at times, but then there are these good ones, these moments that make you sit up and say ‘maybe this is what I was sent to do’.

I had the idea for Absent on the 5th November 2016. A moment I will never forget. As you’ll know, 5th November in the U.K. is Bonfire Night. A night that I would have been taking my children out to see the fireworks.  I was struggling. I was having images in my head of my children, out with their mother, laughing and enjoying themselves, and I was jealous. It wasn’t fair. None of this shit is fair.  But as we all know, life isn’t fair. Do nice guys finish last?  Up until now, I probably would have agreed 9.9 times out of 10.

Fast forward 16 months, and I truly believe we are on the verge of something special here. It’s true that Absent was created solely based on parental alienation, but it can be for so much more.

The first version of the Absent app will focus on missing people. A global issue that arises from many different situations. We decided to focus on the missing as this first version does not include the journal function. Parental alienation cases rely heavily on the journal feature which is in development. Development requires funding, funding requires users. The business world has dictated this. Also missing covers a lot more situations that the app will be able to help. But don’t fret, parental alienation will be covered. But first we will create a ‘map of the missing’. For the first time, the true scale of the problem will be available on a fully interactive global map with features such as share, comment, and report a sighting all in real time. A fantastic tool for those dealing with the ambiguous loss of someone missing.

Absence has traditionally been used as a negative.

Absent father meaning a dad who didn’t want to know.The guy who when out for a pack of cigarettes…..        5 years ago.  It is so different these days, as the number of both mothers and fathers who are absent from their children’s lives, not by choice, but by the actions of others is so difficult to establish.

Best estimate … it’s millions.

It’s now a culture, some believe they have a God-given right to do what they want, when they want and have no regard for the consequences. Increasingly we are living in a world full of self-centred, egotistical assholes who have no morals. The constant attention seeking narcissism which is creating a generation which will have issues with relationships that last a lifetime.

Absent aims to stop this. Absent will provide a lifeline. A chance to turn this tide.

I have been asked how am I going to market Absent successfully.  It’s true I am looking for investment. I have contacted various companies which all say the same thing. Come back when you have some traction and users.  I can see why, it is very risky to invest in a company that just has an idea, an awesome idea, but still just an idea. So what do you do when you have no money, and no users?  Well I’m going to ask for help. I am going to ask every single one of you to help me.

Share, share and share again. 

If you are reading this then it’s very likely that you yourself are absent from a loved one, or you know someone who is.

In order for Absent to make a difference, it needs users. A lot of users.

I figure the best way to do that, is to get people talking about it. I’ll be totally honest with you. in order for me to get my story to my children, I need you to either use Absent or tell as many people as you can about it. But that is true for you also.  If you want to share your story or find that missing someone, you need me as much as I need you. Together we can help each other, and help whoever it is we are missing or absent from. If we pull together, it will work. We can reunite families and change peoples lives forever. We can play our part in helping people all over the world just by raising the profile of Absent and what it can achieve.

This version of the app does not include the journaling function. So the more users we get, the quicker the function will be available. To cover the costs of creating this function, and the server costs etc that go with it, there will be a subscription cost to it. Something small, less than 5 dollars or pounds a month. This also separates those of us who genuinely want to use it,  from those who think that they should use it, or want to maybe cause trouble.

I asked the question, how can I stop people from faking an interest. the answer was pretty simple. ‘You can’t really stop people from being assholes’.

So here it is ladies and gents. This has consumed me for the last 16 months.

I can’t thank those who have helped get this off the ground enough. To the tech and design team that are clearly superb. All the advice I have been given, and all the favours I have called in.

And finally to my children, this is for you dudes xx

 

 

 

 

Are you dealing with a hostile ex partner ?

This post is specifically aimed at those of you who are dealing with a hostile or unreasonable ex partner.

You’ve probably already encountered behaviour from them that makes you question what you were thinking by getting involved with them in the first place. Indeed many people refer to them as their Y’s not X’s.

In creating the Absent platform, I am self educating in basic psychology, I find it helps my own personal situation. So I thought I’d share some of my findings so you guys can do your own research, and apply it to your own situations.

So, the next time things erupt with the ex over the kids, or divorce, try and apply this model so you can hopefully get something achieved.

It’s called the Parent-Adult-Child model.

Click on the link for the in-depth explanation, but put simply it defines the 3 states of mind people are generally in.  Depending on what state each individual is in at the time, that will determine the outcome of the situation.  Gaining knowledge of these states will also help how you react in these situations.

 

Another way to approach these situations is to think of the issue as a circle, but you can only influence your half of the circle.  Now depending on the other person’s state of mind, you have absolutely no say on how they handle their half of the circle. You could be putting forward such a good argument, in a calm manner which is clearly 100% the correct thing to do, but if they aren’t having it, losing your patience and temper will also not have any impact.

Unfortunately, none of this will help with the issue at hand, but I believe having the tools to help your own mind get to grips with the situation can only be positive.

We have all seen instances where people have been unable to cope with it, and take their own lives. By arming ourselves with knowledge about the human brain and how it all works, it will ultimately give us the strength to cope with pretty much anything.

Knowledge is power don’t forget