This post is specifically aimed at those of you who are dealing with a hostile or unreasonable ex partner.
You’ve probably already encountered behaviour from them that makes you question what you were thinking by getting involved with them in the first place. Indeed many people refer to them as their Y’s not X’s.
In creating the Absent platform, I am self educating in basic psychology, I find it helps my own personal situation. So I thought I’d share some of my findings so you guys can do your own research, and apply it to your own situations.
So, the next time things erupt with the ex over the kids, or divorce, try and apply this model so you can hopefully get something achieved.
Click on the link for the in-depth explanation, but put simply it defines the 3 states of mind people are generally in. Depending on what state each individual is in at the time, that will determine the outcome of the situation. Gaining knowledge of these states will also help how you react in these situations.
Another way to approach these situations is to think of the issue as a circle, but you can only influence your half of the circle. Now depending on the other person’s state of mind, you have absolutely no say on how they handle their half of the circle. You could be putting forward such a good argument, in a calm manner which is clearly 100% the correct thing to do, but if they aren’t having it, losing your patience and temper will also not have any impact.
Unfortunately, none of this will help with the issue at hand, but I believe having the tools to help your own mind get to grips with the situation can only be positive.
We have all seen instances where people have been unable to cope with it, and take their own lives. By arming ourselves with knowledge about the human brain and how it all works, it will ultimately give us the strength to cope with pretty much anything.
I apologise for not posting for a while, but after the mosaic, I have found things a little tough as I’m sure many of you have. However, with the holiday season now truly over, I feel refreshed and ready to make 2018 the year of change for many of us, and the year Absent sweeps the world.
Let me update you all on where we are with Absent.
The design team are busy creating the visuals for the app and website, and we are working on adding the features necessary to ensure this is nailed down before we launch.
If you have any suggestions or opinions on any features you would like to see, then please feel free to contact us to discuss.
This is not just a product based on my own situation, it is for all of us absent from loved ones.
We are focusing on certain situations to launch. We would love to focus on all situations, but as with any new business startups, it’s better to concentrate your energy.
Our main focus is on 3 specific situations of absence.
Members of the Armed Forces
The main features will be there. Digital stuff being a photo, video, letters which will provide a sizeable chunk of the information needed to be therapeutic for us and to leave an informed ‘time capsule’ ready for whoever is missing from your life.
I am busy trying to gain as much exposure as I can for Absent. I am networking my behind off trying to get meetings with anyone and everyone who will listen.
If there is anyone willing to ‘go on the record’ and give us a quote or a testimonial on how important the concept we are developing is on short term therapy for the user, and the benefits that the story left will have for those finding it, then we would be eternally grateful.
We have also decided to create a Crowdfunding campaign to get things really moving.
We are working with an extremely talented guy who is in the process of coming up with something that will engage a lot of people. However, it does seem at this point that my ugly mug will be present, so he has his work cut out for him :). Please keep a look out for further developments on that.
As today is ‘Blue Monday’ – the most miserable day of the year, then I thought I would give you all who are without your loved ones a little insight into how close we are getting to delivering the platform that will give you a very real chance of reuniting.
So that is pretty much where we are right now.
If you happen to stumble upon this and know someone who will benefit massively from what we are doing, then please bring it up next time you talk, or even send them a link.
Ok, so here we are. Trying to start this venture, with honestly no prior experience in how you market or promote, in how you get backers, or followers or likes. Or if anyone else even knows what you are on about, is tough.
The drive and focus are easy, and even if Absent falls flat on its face, I hope that one day my children will see the lengths I was prepared to go to, to show them the truth. Hell if trying to start a worldwide movement in how people reunite isn’t a start then I don’t know what is.
There are of course pros and cons working on Absent. The pros speak for themselves in the fact that I am working on something that I am so passionate about, not only for my own gain but for millions of people who must feel like I feel. The cons do play their part also, the constant reminder of how not only I live, but so many others can make you feel like s**t.
But I must remember what I am trying to achieve here, and nobody said it was going to be easy.
The holiday season is nearly upon us, with Thanksgiving in the U.S. in a couple of days, and of course Christmas in about a month, so everyone needs to take care of themselves over the silly season.
What do people do over the holidays when they are absent from their loved ones ??
Personally, I cannot wait for the whole thing to be over. Maybe that is the wrong way to look at it, but it’s true. It’s not for the fact I haven’t got loved ones around me.My beautiful wife, my stepson and all the family are all here, and I know that makes me luckier than most, but the fact that is Christmas makes me miss my children more than any other time of the year. Maybe this year, I need to focus more on what I have, rather than what I am without. But we could all say that all the time couldn’t we. One of my favourite actors Michael J Fox once said referring to his Parkinsons diagnosis
‘The point is, we all have our bag of hammers. We all have our own s**t. It’s like the parable about this circle of people and everyone takes their worst problem and puts it in the middle and they all get to choose one to take back – and they all end up choosing their own. And that’s kind of it. You’d always take your own problems back over someone else’s.’
Who didn’t want to be Marty McFly … or was that just me.
So maybe something to take from this, yes everyone has their problems, but there is always someone worse off.
Maybe start thinking about how you are going to approach the holidays this year. Do you want to surround yourself with people, and even … children. I mean how is that going to go?
Or would you prefer a more chilled time, or even a holiday away?
Whatever you decide to do, try and balance your needs with that of your loved ones.
You won’t please everyone, but we already know this…
So you’re having a terrible time with your ex, you’ve stopped communicating, and now they’ve decided to go to court. Result !!! That’s all you need. If you are the nonresident parent you are now thinking that this isn’t good news – and you’d be right. Now going to court should be a good thing to do in principle. Think about it, if someone does something illegal, they get punished right? Well Family Courts ‘seem’ to be different. I have asked the question lately if people think Family Court is held in the same esteem as let say ‘regular’ court. The answer is a resounding NO !!
Is it all about the money ??
Many people believe it’s about money. Now whether or not this statement is right, I’m not sure, but money does seem to come up an awful lot when discussing Family Courts. Lawyers aren’t cheap, and if you’ve got a divorce in the mix also, your bank balance could take a hammering. Indeed many people simply cannot afford to carry on with court proceedings which surely is not right.
When dealing with your children and money, it goes without saying that emotions run wild. Add in child support or maintenance, and a combustible situation is imminent. This is where your mental health comes under attack. Dealing with the constant stress and pressure will inevitably take its toll, and in many situations, being away from your children will make you question your very existence. What you won’t understand, is that it is normal. Of course you are going to feel like your world is coming to an end, because let’s be honest, it has.
My advice here is, get some help. I thought I could power through, but I couldn’t do it on my own.
I know I keep going on about physical fitness when it comes to mental health improvement, so if you don’t believe me, take a look at this from huffingtonpost.com
So, back to the courts. What discourages people so much, is that perjury seems to be allowed in Family Court. Lies will go unpunished, and lawyers twist things so that they fall under laws that are meant to be there to protect children who are in actual harm’s way. It’s a convenient way for people to get what they want. How many times have there been allegations of domestic violence, or alcoholism, or drug use, just because they are the buzz terms that make judges very nervous?
You can see how impossible the situation has now become.
At the centre of all this mess, is the child. Totally innocent in all of it.
If you are lucky enough to still have contact with your child after all this, then where does that leave them. Will they suffer either way? Now there are situations where both parents put the child’s interests first, and subside their feelings towards each other. These parents should be highly praised.
The main concern we at Absent have is the relationship with the child. What good is contact if your relationship with your child is being tarnished by the other parent. What impact will that have on their childhood? All extremely difficult questions to answer, and what is the right thing to do for everyone.
If like me, you have decided not to enter a ‘tug of war’ with your children, and let them go to remove them from the toxic situation, then like me, you are probably wondering how you will ever get that relationship back.
That is why Absent will change the way we connect with our loved ones. Absent focuses on the relationship. It builds the bridges burnt when you are a victim of parental alienation.
What Absent also does is help anyone reach out to someone they love and want to reconcile. A brilliant idea if I do say so myself 🙂
Along the way, you have a place of calmness to go. It will help you deal with your problems as journaling with the knowledge that they will see this will give you a tremendous sense of satisfaction. No longer will you feel like you are sinking into the abyss. At last, a chance to level the playing field.